Beauty Instead of Ashes

Isaiah 61:1-3 "The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Out of this beautiful passage of scripture full of wonderful words of encouragement and hope, you know what resonates with me?  "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes", "beauty instead of ashes".  When I mess up, which by the way is constantly, sometimes I really feel convicted, I feel bad, and rightly so.  I feel stupid, ugly, and condemned!  Especially if it is something I do over and over.  I pray for forgiveness and then I have to make a choice.  Do I keep dwelling on it and continue to beat myself up over it?  Or, do I let it go and look at it like Jesus does?  Recently I had one of those particularly condemning moments.  I was upset at myself for something I did.  I was reminded in that moment that the Bible says in Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this.  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Sin is ugly!  Sin is condemning!  Sin is what Jesus took upon himself on the cross!  My sin, your sin, everyone's sin.  It can't get any worse, it can't get any uglier then it did on the cross as Jesus took it all for us.  So much so that God, his own father had to look away.  That's bad!

That's also beautiful!  What?  yes, beautiful!  Think about it, what's more ugly than nasty old burned up ashes.  They stink, they are gray, colorless, remnants of something that no longer exists.  Sometimes a fire can be beautiful when it is burning.  But, what about the next day when you look at it?  Just ugly old gray ashes.  Nothing beautiful about it any more!  But, it doesn't end there.  Because of what Jesus did for us on the cross, he is bestowing on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes.  He is offering us a way out of the ugliness.  And because of that, because of the gracious act of love on the cross, we (with all of our ugly sinful selves) are beautiful to him.  When we believe in Jesus with all of our hearts, confess our sins to him, and believe that he died for our sins and rose again, he makes us white as snow!  White as snow, not gray as ashes!  He gives us a crown of beauty...forgiveness!

I hope the next time you, or me are tempted to feel ugly and condemned because of our sinful selves, we remember Jesus is right there making us beautiful again.  He never tires of it, he already paid the ultimate price.  He already knew we would need it over and over again.  So graciously accept that crown of beauty today as graciously as he gave it.  You are beautiful to him! 

      
This is one of the first paintings my daughter Brandi made.  It hangs in our living room as a daily reminder of his beauty.

"Denying" myself

Then he said to them all:  "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me..."--Luke 9:23-27

Okay, so today I will be writing about myself.  I know, the verse above says the opposite of that...denying oneself right?  Exactly, I am going to tell you how God has been teaching me to deny myself.  I will warn you this will get a little personal and honest, but it's all part of the process of me denying me and following Christ.  I will also give you a heads up that before you read this, that this is my journey with God and what this scripture says to me, and it could be totally different for someone else, but I trust in what God is helping me learn through it, so I pray it comes out the way he wants it to.

So, I struggle a lot with insecurities and fears about myself.  I worry I have nothing to offer others, I struggle with having no real talents, and I am always concerned with how I look.  I have always loved make-up, hair products, and clothes.  I have found that my love language is primarily words of affirmation, which is kind of crazy because I am very uncomfortable with compliments and people saying nice things about me!  Also, what is crazy is that I am a tom boy at heart.  I have always loved sports and anything athletic, and I never minded getting dirty or sweaty.  I would come to my basketball games, softball games, and track meets with hair fixed and make-up on, and then I would compete with the best of them.  I would slide and scar up my knees, skid across the basketball court on my bottom, and dive for a serve in volleyball with no reservations of how I looked.  

God has been teaching me through circumstances and his word that dwelling on my fears and shortcomings are prideful and selfish.  I have literally been paralyzed with self-doubt and fear before.  So much so that it kept my focus off of God and onto myself and the doubts and fears.  To me, to deny myself means I don't give into those thoughts of not having anything to offer or that I'm not good enough.  That is like saying hmmm God doesn't know what he is doing or he didn't know what he was doing when long ago he made me and formed me to be this person I am.  It sounds ridiculous when I put it that way, but as we all know if we are honest with ourselves that when those thoughts come into our minds they are very real!  I have learned that I have to give them to God immediately.  I pray Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  I add in to that prayer my heart and mind.  I also pray in those times 2 Corinthians 12:9  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  In that story Paul is struggling with the thorn in his flesh.  We all struggle with very real and different things.  But, he still says to deny ourselves and take up our cross daily.

In Belize, I was reminded in a very real way how all of this fits into my life.  I sweated from the time I got out of bed in the morning until the time I went to sleep, and even while I was asleep.  My clothes were literally soaked in sweat as we did VBS inside that sweet little church in San Lazaro.  The day we made salvation bracelets I was on a hot tile floor with a group of 5 or 6 little boys sliding around in my own sweat (Yes, gross I know), but guess what??  It didn't even matter that I was sweaty, that most of my make-up was gone, or that my hair was pulled back out of my face in a very unflattering way, God worked and used me, and a little boy who was focused so intently on the message of Christ not how I looked, accepted Jesus into his heart that day!  It makes me cry even now as I write this.  

You may be thinking, wow didn't you already know all of this stuff?  Don't you know God can use anyone under any circumstances?  Yes, I did know that, but God knew I needed to experience it to really see it in my life.  I guess I am a very slow learner.  I am a very visual, hands-on learner, and I don't get a lot of things until I actually experience them.  Like taking a shower in the dark that has a tarp stapled to the side of a building as my only privacy.  Yes, another humbling, self denying experience! 

As for me, I have to deny myself and take up my cross daily by not letting those thoughts of doubt, fear, unworthiness, or vanity control me.  I have to deny those selfish thoughts for Christ to be able to work in me.  It's so tough sometimes to do that, but through Christ and only through Christ can I do it.  When Jesus was telling the disciples to go and make disciples of all nations, he ended with this, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  I claim that verse for myself too, that he is always going to be with me as I continue to struggle to deny myself and learn how to follow him!  That's a wonderful assurance!!